you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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