wrigley field is MILF paradise
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
zippers are such a cool invention
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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