she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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