Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
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I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
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Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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