how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
