Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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