My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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