spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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