i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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