I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
