I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
