Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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