He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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