I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize