$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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