talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
