True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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