So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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