If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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