I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Sorry about my life...
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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