I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
