he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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