Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
