I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
