I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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