I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
