You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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