So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
