I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
