they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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