ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
