Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
