Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
