We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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