So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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