I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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