Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
