I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
