in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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