I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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