god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
