It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
you had me at cake vodka
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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