he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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