Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
