i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
