I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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