I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
