I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
