I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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