just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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