its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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