I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Farmville is her only friend.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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