The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
