dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
