If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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