I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
