He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
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You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
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You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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