I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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